For the love of Brian.

Today there was a completely awesome turn of events. Fall is creeping in, the air is cooling, the days are shortening and soon our green lawns will give way to a blanket of color and whimsy. Fall is the time of year where, for me, the world begins to slow down and all those things that were made confused by the harshness of the summer sun come into focus. My spirit becomes more at ease and I return to thoughts of stillness and comfort.

Every fall for the past three years there has been a person that has come to mind. This person lives fairly close to town and is not someone that I interact with on a regular basis. However when the fall rolls in, so too do thoughts of him. Each year for the past three I have made a single journey to seek him out.

I have found him the first year while I was nearing the height of my spiritual crisis. I was filled with questions, fear and anxiety. I was plagued with sleep deprivation and filled with questions about energy and the entities that have seemingly overtaken the lives of myself, my family and our home. He appeared to me this day as a very understated shamanic type of person…who some how knew my name though I didn’t tell him what it was. He spent quite a bit of time chatting with me and looking back assessing me. He then guided me to a book and sent me on my way with new hope, well wishes and an open invitation to return.

I didn’t return until the following fall.

The second year, the air began to cool, the world began to slow and once again he came into focus and to front of mind. Each time he appears in my minds eye it is like a shot. I have to seek him out that day or the very next.

I got in the car and I traveled to find him. As I started down the highway I remember being alarmed, there were no hawks flying. Hawks are always over head when I travel, this time I did not see so much as a crow. I recall feeling anxious, as if I had to get there right that minute and no matter how fast I drove it did not feel fast enough. For some reason unknown to me I had to get to him. I sent him a message telepathically telling him for some strange reason to hold on, I was coming…As I arrived at my destination not sure that he would remember me. I opened the door and there he was in the same place I had left him a year prior.

I was startled because when I arrived his world was crumbling around him and he was now the one plagued with entities and anxiety. I have never seen anything like the scene which unfolded with such horrifying haste that day. That day will live on in my memory if I live to be a thousand. I do not even think life times could remove what I bared witness to.

Earlier that day before and as I started out to find him I had been questioning my purpose, I had been questioning if I really subscribed to the light working community and all of their ideas of the way the other side worked which differed greatly from my own. I was actually in hind sight seeking him out because he was more like a shaman in quality than any other human I have met in this life time. I was seeking him out for answers and validation for either side of my line of questioning. I questioned if being a healer was just complete and utter bullshit as I was driving to find him that day.

As I stood in the doorway his eyes met mine and he looked at me as if was no longer in control of his mind or body. His eyes were dull yet wild, his hands were shaking and broken out in a wild rash, he was sweating and could not breathe. He was filled with chaos to the likes that even I have never known. I looked about the room and could see dark shadows darting about freely as if they had no regard for the presence of a human and no rules to bind them. They were hosting this space. Every corner I would look to a black mass would move just out of my sight. My shaman had fallen and was hollow, a host to these masses and more zombie like than I care to discuss. He was at wits end and the will to live was leaving his being. He was nearing wits end and suicide was his chosen option, he was going to pass this very day…this very hour, his choice was made.

I walked over to him with out the much anticipated awkward introduction and I looked at him. Matching his chaos with panic I asked him if he was alright. A completely rhetorical question but I didn’t know what else to say. A few quick words later I began to clear the space. Dark entities are simply not allowed in my presence. I sat him down and began clearing him and protecting him from this infestation and I began to offer healing. After 20 minutes or so, when I felt his rhythms were stable, I knelt down and asked him how he was feeling. In utter amazement he looked at me with tears in his eyes and grabbed me, holding me so tight I could not breathe, I was not sure what to expect. I felt like a mouse in the lions den. I did not know if I was in harms way but I was pretty sure that anything could happen. He released me and when he looked down at me he had tears in his eyes and a light! He could not thank me enough and eventually he let me go.

I was still shaken by this whole series of events and wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as I could and at this first chance… that is exactly what I did.

On the drive home that day I was thankful, if you recall I was going there with questions about my path and questions of if I was or was not a healer, hell I was questioning if I really was crazy and that I just pretended to be psychic to mask it (that should be funny for those who actually know me). I had gotten my answer. What a powerful, scarey lesson that was!

Today, almost a year to the day, my thoughts returned to him. Had he killed himself? Did he make it through his dark night? Had he blossomed into the healer he was destined to become?

Yes. An over whelming, amazing yes.

Today I appeared in his new doorway, completely unannounced as I always am, and there he was. I wondered if he would still remember me. Of course he did. He welcomed me like an old friend and we spent the evening visiting and talking of special things, he made me coffee and gave me tomatoes and we rejoiced in his success and strength.

He didn’t heal because of me. I only offered him a very small window to crawl through and to begin to see the light, he healed himself. I suppose this is really why I am sharing this extremely personal and intimate short story with you all. As I listened to him today one thing was clear. We never really know how we are affecting someone else. True I knew at the time I was offering shelter from entities and offering healing, but he could have just thrown that away the second I left. It was his choice. He made the choice to crawl his ass through the small window that god, not me, had provided and he fixed his life.

It has led me to understand that I have spent too much time seeking healing and advice from others. I have always known in my heart what my path is. We all have this internal compass. When we seek the answers from others, we only get the answers that lead us down their path. No one knows your path, not priests, shaman, our parents or even psychics. No one knows what is better for you than you do. It is important to have friends who are able to help you on your path, but they should never be writing it for you. I asked god that day two years ago if healing was just bullshit. I asked god if I was just crazy…I got an answer that I could have never expected.

That day I did the work I was sent here to which is listen to the creator and serve others.  It was only through god that I was able to offer this troubled soul a few moments of safe harbor. I offered no advice, I gave no answers. I was not a “light being” or a “healer” I was Hannah. I was doing what my higher source guided me to do, not even to help him, anyone could have been sent to aid him. I was only chosen because in the act of helping and serving him, my questions were also answered and I too was healed.

I simply did what I was organically guided to do. That is the true magic. That is the true medicine. Do what you do best when others need your support and your love. Do not go out and try to buy healing powers and potions and items believing they will give you super powers to which you can use to interject and tinker around in the lives of another. Just be you. Do what you do. If you feel drawn to energy work, by all means go learn about that, if you feel healing is with food, by all means go learn to cook. If you believe that healing is with the bible and the word of Jesus Christ, by all means heal, support and love others with that. If you do not heal and seek to help others in a way that is organic, that which you were born with…you are not living to your purpose. You are nothing more than a fraud to yourself and to others.

All avenues work. There is no more powerful way to heal or love someone that is stronger than another way. What makes a great healer is their complete unwavering soul consciousness of what they are doing. It is only with unwavering faith that ordinary people are able to do extraordinary things. This lesson I learned for certain today as he and I sat together, laughing and well.

 

I left him today feeling a sense of calm and ease. I thought about how he had pulled me through my spiritual crisis and how I was able to do the same for him the next year. I thought about how nice it was that we were both so well, not with out scars, but filled with joy nonetheless. I left him there wondering if I would see him next year or if this would be the end of our time together. Who is to say? I can tell you when I was driving home I was under the wing of a magnificent hawk which followed me for some time. It was definitely the close of a window or the open of a new door. 

I am not sure why I am sharing this whole stream of thoughts but for some reason it seemed relevant. Take what you feel is important and dump the rest.