I am whole.

Feeling again like the world is growing too bright and loud. It feels like the sun is so close that it will burn my flesh and spirit. I need a reprieve from the mindless chatter and one-way-ness of this space I have created. Relationships appear to be like rivers roaring past, charging with purpose, taking the parts of me they need with them and having little care for what is left behind. I crave the solitude of silence, ancient relationships, and connecting with the earth. It is time now to move away from the public spaces of spirituality and gravitate towards a more private practice.

At times I feel it would be so much easier if my masters were of this space…of this time…of this place. At others I realize that this can never be so. The masters are of another space so that the relationship can remain pure, unending and without interruption. Looking around I have selected a space of loudness, one sidedness and ego. I have placed my spirit in a life of busy behavior that is almost false and anxiety ridden. I have no closeness with others that is sacred due to the majority of my time being filled with half-finished conversation and a need to be polite or correct.

I don’t have anything profound to say. There are no revelations coming to mind today. It’s just me…on my journey.  Standing here in my flesh and bone with my heart beating in its human rhythm. Breathing in and out in a controlled even fashion, staring into my own almond shaped eye which echoes generations before me Blackfoot and cawing to the crows, medicine men and mothers, I exhale knowing only parts of the whole but confident that I belong for I can still hear their drum and in my life and actions echoes of their song.

As my ancestors, I yield to the egos of others. I let them walk over me, through me, around me and beyond me and all the while I learn what I choose not to be. I am grateful for this behavior as it makes me stronger. No longer do I seek to be the teacher. My students will come when they are guided, just as my teacher will come when I have mastered the lessons already laid before me. I am comfortable understanding that the treasures and knowledge inside me is not for everybody, rather it is for the few who have the need and will to know. I will seek to master the lessons of the ordinary, of simplicity and I will be grateful that gone are the days that I need to have the burden of proof or validations from others. Gone are the days that I put energy into those who do not offer an even exchange.

This is part of my evolution. This is part of the whole. I am part of the whole…I am whole. I need not the approval of others nor do I need a stamp of authenticity.  I am strong because I chose to be. I will continue to grow because I choose to do so. I will stand on my own feet in my own space and I will be secure, never fearing the darkness or that which stirs just beyond it… because in my heart and soul I know that I am guided, I am protected and I am part of god.